As I’m sure you’ve noticed (or not noticed, since you’ve probably stopped coming here and probably aren’t even reading this post), I haven’t been posting as frequently on my blog as I have in the past. I usually go through phases throughout the year where I will post or not post for a while. The last couple of months have been relatively light on the posting front. The reason? There are, I believe, several:
- There’s not much interesting going on in my life
- The weather is starting to turn nice and I’d rather enjoy it than blog
- I’ve been busy finishing an audiobook, producing music, watching TV, and playing through a couple of video games.
- I’m no longer listening to NPR or podcasts, so I’m having a hard time getting worked up over any hot button issues
- I’ve not been taking many photos
- I’ve been working on a re-design of my MattArmstrongMusic.com website (it’s nearly ready. The design is done, now I just need to populate it with content.)
- I just haven’t had anything that I wanted to / felt I could say on my blog.
So, to those of you who actually go to my blog address to check whether or not I’ve posted something new, I have to, first, apologize, and second, reprimand you for not using a feed reader like Google Reader. (Seriously, if you read more than a few blogs, you really need to use Google Reader or some other similar feed reader.) You’ve probably stopped even checking to see if there’s been anything new since, well, there hasn’t been.
The past several months have been…interesting. I feel as though, in many ways, I’m turning some sort of corner. There’s nothing major that I can point to and say that my life is better or worse. There’s no inciting incident to say that, somewhere, there’s something big, important, terrible, or life-altering. My day-to-day activities haven’t changed much.
My status in life hasn’t changed much. I’m still middle class. I’m still single. Still balding. Still slightly overweight. Still love to shop. Still have credit card debt and student loans. I still cook. I still have and play with and love my dog. I still go to work.
But despite the similarities of my day-to-day, week-after-week existence, I feel as though my priorities are starting to shift a little. Again, nothing major, but things just seem to be slotting together slightly differently than they did before. For example:
I don’t really enjoy watching TV all that much anymore. Lost has nearly ended it’s run. The Biggest Loser only has two more weeks left in the season. Glee continues to be hit or miss (with far more misses than hits…although tonight’s episode was fantastic. It actually made me a little teary…but that’s nothing new. I’m a crier when it comes to sappy emotionality). I’m not interested in watching any new shows or getting invested in anything new.
I’m eating out way less than I used to, and I’m not missing it all that much. I’m bringing my lunch to work every day, and eating at my desk rather than getting food at the cafeteria. My grocery bill has gone way down through no particular effort put forth on my part. I’ve become a little more okay with eating the same thing for three or four days in a row. I don’t find myself craving foods the way I used to.
My spending has just stopped, again through no major effort on my part. I have practically no desire at all to go shopping. For clothes, for musical instruments, for studio equipment, for electronic gadgets. I’ve saved more money in the last six weeks than I did in the whole of 2009–but I’m not trying. It’s just kind of…happening. I actually had to force myself to go out and buy some new tennis shoes this week because my old ones finally fell apart. I can’t remember I actually let my shoes fall apart before buying a new pair.
I’ve found myself using the things I’ve already bought more thoroughly. I’m making due with what I’ve got more than I ever have before in my life. I’ve been puttering around the house without the TV on as background noise. I’m making my bed.
These are all little things that didn’t used to be part of my repertoire, but have now just settled into my life. The funny thing is that, overall, I’m rather ambivalent toward it all. I don’t really have feelings about these minor differences one way or the other. They’re neither good or bad. They just are.
And I don’t know what to make of it all. I think, if I had to consolidate these disparate thoughts into a single unifying thread it would be this: I find myself wanting less…that is to say that I find myself less-frequently wanting something I don’t have. I don’t know if I’m becoming more contented with my life, or if I have actually gotten what I want. Or maybe, I’m finally starting to come to peace with the fact that getting my wants fulfilled doesn’t necessarily equal happiness any more than not getting my wants fulfilled had to equal unhappiness.
Because of my life detour through the pothole-ridden road of the performing arts, I feel like I got started on my "grown-up" life later than most. Perhaps this routine that I’ve established is what it’s like for "normal" people most of the time. I’m still an emotional person, and hope I always will be. But it feels as though the dynamic range of my emotions has been reduced. I’m becoming accustomed to routine, and am learning not to abhor it. I’m actually rather learning to enjoy it.
I realize this is a strange blog post…but I’ve been in a strange place. It’s not good. It’s not bad. Maybe this is "normal," if such a thing actually exists. I just know that, while I’m in this weird phase of my life, whether it be temporary, transitional, or becomes entrenched in my life, it doesn’t really make for coherent and interesting blog posts.
So, until then, here’s a video that’s so cute it’ll make your ovaries essplode.