I had a realization forced upon me today.  I’m getting fat.  Nonsense, you say.  How is that even possible?  You’ve always been so slim and fit. 

Well, to be quite honest, I don’t like your tone.  Nobody likes sarcastic remarks.  You can just keep your snotty comments to yourself, thank you very much.

So this morning, I went to a yoga class for the first time in an effort to get some use out of the $50 a month I’m spending on my gym membership.  (This is the third time I’ve gone to the gym since I got the membership in May, thus averaging in a per-visit cost of $100).  Also, I went in an apparently vain attempt to begin my process of slimming down just in time to gorge myself sick for Thanksgiving/Christmas/Ramadan/Hanukah/Kwanza/Tet/New Years Holiday Corridor.  I didn’t hate it, which, as a person who considers typing 50 words a minute to be strenuous exercise, is a big thing for me.  I even almost felt refreshed.  I came home, ate a healthy breakfast of Fiber One cereal (they’ve stopped showing the annoying commercials, so the boycott has ended).  I took a quick nap, and then went to go take a shower, before which I decided to, um, see a man about a horse, as they say. (That means "poop.")

As I dropped trou, and sat down, I heard a crunching sound, and a sharp pinch on my Rush Limbaugh-sized ass. 

That’s right folks.  I sat on the toilet and snapped the toilet seat in half.  And it wasn’t one of those flimsy little plastic seats that bends if you look at it cross-eyed.  This one was made out of wood.  (Well, fiberboard, to be exact.)  And my bulky backside broke it with its bare butt-hands.  (Man, that is some awkward alliteration.)  I can see the headline now: Bulky Behind Breaks Bathroom.

So, I called the office, explained to them that I was going to need to get the toilet seat repaired because I’m a lardo, then I consoled myself by eating 10 Oreos in quick succession.

The yoga is really going to pay off.  I can tell.

  • that is pretty funny! While I didn’t break my toilet seat this morning, I did however, notice how my fat roll has gotten bigger than ever (the bottom one; I have two with good posture and three with bad posture!)…YIKES! I joined the gym last month, but have only gone 3 times…the week after I joined I got sick and then the following week I threw my back out…oi.